This depression is eating away at me. Yesterday, I didn’t go to group, had a really bad headache. Then I went to pick up Tony at work, and we went to his therapy appointment. It’s hard to feel any emotions…anger, happy, anything.
We talked a little about trying out meditation…how I had gotten a few books from the library, but I don’t know, I was getting the impression that she, the therapist was talking about something else…some other type of “relaxation” techniques for Tony.
Like, she said meditation would be a good place to start. Start what?
I told her about what I have been reading, about using meditation as a way to connect with Jennifer…that that is why I am interested in it. That I have to try anything that can or will be able to let me connect with Jennifer, to maybe allow me to communicate with my child. That that is the most important thing to me right now.
I don’t think she completely understood what I was trying to get across. But how can she? I asked her, very early on in Tony’ s therapy if she had children. She said that she does. But at the same time, while I think she is a wonderful therapist, and I do believe she can eventually help Tony, once he gets his no doubt sign…because I don’t see him moving forward at all until he gets that, she has never experienced the loss that we have.
We will continue to go and see her, and in the meantime I am going to try to do the work involved with learning this art of meditation. Perhaps, that can help both Tony and I. Perhaps, it can help me with this depression, and help Tony, not only with relaxation, but with the ultimate goal of connecting with our daughter. Maybe through this he can get something from our Jennifer that will help him move forward.
If we can get to the place where the medium says Jennifer is easy to connect with, she can give him the answers he seeks. Where I just want to have a way to communicate with her, while I am still in this world. I need that. I know I will eventually be able to be with her, in every sense of the word, when I am with her again forever, but until that day happens I feel I must try anything that I can, while here in this world.
I know that this depression is not a normal part of my personality, but I am not the same person that I was, before I lost my Jennifer. I can never be that person again. Tony said tonight, that I am not normally like this, depressed, and he’s right. All I said in return was that I am different now.
So I have to try to fight my way out of this quicksand that is this depression. I am hoping that this meditation can help with this also. Until then, I will continue to talk to Jennifer, and I will continue to pray…not just for Tony and I, but also for all the Mothers and Fathers who have had a child or children lost to them. That God bless them with extra comfort and compassion, and His healing love.
For that is my prayer for any other parent that is suffering, as we are, that none of us should have to suffer this indescribable pain. So I pray. And I ask God to please show us what lessons we are supposed to be learning, or things we are supposed to do, before we can once again be reunited with our children. To please show us. That is what I pray for.