Numbness

Ever since last Saturday,, Jennifer’s birthday, I have been struggling with depression. Everything seems to take so much energy, for even the simplest tasks. On Saturday and Sunday I slept a lot. Oh I usually will lay down with Tony to take a nap on the weekends, but this was unusual for me, to sleep as much as I did.

I have to remind myself sometimes that, one, I am basically just coming out of the first year of grief, that I have been told many times, that that is the period when you are in shock. I have also been told by many different people, such as therapist, grief support group members, and through the various online support groups, that entering the second year of your loss, is the worst part.

I think to myself about that a lot. About how can this pain possibly get worse?! I think about how, after finding out my child is dead, and never, ever coming back to me, about how I am supposed to keep breathing? I think about this somehow, someway being some colossal mistake? That everyone got it wrong, and that I will wake up from this horrific nightmare and my Jennifer will walk through the door any second now.

All of these things I think about everyday.

How do I keep opening my eyes every morning, and knowing it’s another day without her. How can God be so cruel? I know He loves me…I know He wants me to be joyful, and to live a rich, full life. I know that I didn’t always stop long enough to embrace the beauty of all that He has given me. But I was embracing everything that is beautiful and wonderful in my child.

How do you go on after receiving such a wondrous gift, only to have that gift be taken away?

This tortuous path I now must walk on is a monumental task. I don’t know if I have the strength to make this journey. Right now I am so very tired, I only want to be able to hold her again, to lay down beside her and talk with her, hold her hand, and whisper to her softly….I Love You, Jennifer.