I hurt.I have cried a thousand tears today. And there seems to be no stopping. Why? Why does it hurt so much more now. I know mentally, it has been explained, that the second year of the loss of my child, my beautiful daughter Jennifer, will be much worse.
So I asked why? Haven’t we been suffering enough? The answer or make that many answers, because I asked many, many people…why? The answers I received, or read about, all come to the same conclusion…the first year after the loss, we are in a deep state of shock. Yes, emotions are still very present, the crying, the questioning, those are all present along with the shock. And of course the pain.
As parents who have experienced this loss, we seek answers, naturally. Sometimes we get some, sometimes we don’t, and won’t until we are reunited with our children.
As I have read, and questioned, it was still all in the shock phase I ‘ve been told. That first year after we lost our precious gift, our child.
So now begins the second year of our grief, has begun. For myself, it wasn’t so much the year anniversary of her passing, for me it was her birthday…that’s when it all seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. Why that day, I don’t have the answer to that. Perhaps, because of the timing of both her anniversary and the holidays, and then her birthday.
So again I have read, researched, spoken with others, all to be told that the second year is when the shock wears off. And now the indescribable pain comes. We are now more aware of the loss. It can’t be denied. What that first year was, was a sort of cushion, created in our minds, to buffer such a tremendous loss.
I don’t know. I have no answers. All I know for sure, is that this time now, is possibly the worst.
Again I have no answers, no ideas. All I seem to have, or not have is any control anymore, of myself, of my pain, of my yearning to be with Jennifer.