Tears

I hurt.I have cried a thousand tears today. And there seems to be no stopping. Why? Why does it hurt so much more now. I know mentally, it has been explained, that the second year of the loss of my child, my beautiful daughter Jennifer, will be much worse.

So I asked why? Haven’t we been suffering enough? The answer or make that many answers, because I asked many, many people…why? The answers I received, or read about, all come to the same conclusion…the first year after the loss, we are in a deep state of shock. Yes, emotions are still very present, the crying, the questioning, those are all present along with the shock. And of course the pain.

As parents who have experienced this loss, we seek answers, naturally. Sometimes we get some, sometimes we don’t, and won’t until we are reunited with our children.

As I have read, and questioned, it was still all in the shock phase I ‘ve been told. That first year after we lost our precious gift, our child.

So now begins the second year of our grief, has begun. For myself, it wasn’t so much the year anniversary of her passing, for me it was her birthday…that’s when it all seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. Why that day, I don’t have the answer to that. Perhaps, because of the timing of both her anniversary and the holidays, and then her birthday.

So again I have read, researched, spoken with others, all to be told that the second year is when the shock wears off. And now the indescribable pain comes. We are now more aware of the loss. It can’t be denied. What that first year was, was a sort of cushion, created in our minds, to buffer such a tremendous loss.

I don’t know. I have no answers.  All I know for sure, is that this time now, is possibly the worst.

Again I have no answers, no ideas. All I seem to have, or not have is any control anymore, of myself, of my pain, of my yearning to be with Jennifer.

Many, many tears have fallen

As I have mentioned previously, Jennifer’s birthday was on Saturday, she would have been 25 years old. We also had a mini reading that morning. But I guess it took me some time to process the information that we were given.

In no way, am I discounting the messages, or information that we were given. Any type of communication that we receive from Jennifer, whether it be through a medium, a dream (of which I, myself have not had the privilege of having, or if I have, I don’t remember any of it) or through the multiple signs that she, herself has given us, are gifts.

I find myself wanting to peruse any and all avenues of obtaining this connection to Jennifer. I will try just about anything. The only reason that I am bringing this up at all, is to underline my deep, and yes, sometimes desperate, attempts to do whatever it may take to make any kind of connection with my daughter.

I am anxiously awaiting the CD that the medium we spoke with on Saturday, said he would be sending. I am not sure at this point if there are any costs involved with obtaining the CD, but I will be looking into that tomorrow.

Today, after I took Tony to work, I was looking at some old pictures of Jennifer, trying to pinpoint the August event that she wants us to remember. Naturally, none of the photos had dates on the back of them, so my investigation into the August thing wasn’t discovered…yet!

Unfortunately, what I did achieve was heartache. I have a wicker basket on my dresser, that as I was going through boxes, and finding photos, I would place them in the basket so they would stay all together, as I continue to go through boxes that just seem to move with us each time we move, yet aren’t things we need in our everyday lives. So I am weeding out what needs to be kept, and what will either go to goodwill, or to the trash bin.

But today, I was sidetracked by the pictures of my daughter, at various stages of her life. Now, some of these pictures very well might be duplicates of what I have already put into a photo album. Still, I sat on my bed, and looked through each and every picture. I was watching my daughter grow, in the pictures, from a newborn baby, through each passing month, and year of her life. The pain was overwhelming at times, and at times I found myself smiling a little, at her antics.

However, in hindsight, this was probably not the best day to be suddenly doing this, a stroll down through memory lane. I have group today, and I am not  saying that I don’t cry during group, but today I found myself way out of my depth. In other words, I had a melt down. But of course, it didn’t stop there, no. When I picked up Tony from work, he looked at me, and asked me what was wrong? I just said I had had a bad day. He knows what that simple phrase means.

Then as we got ready for bed, the dam really broke lose. I cried and cried for quite some time, all the while, wrapped up in Tony’ s arms. It took quite a while to return back to “normal”. And then we said our nightly prayers, and tried to go to sleep.

That worked for a little while for me, and then I got up and just started writing this post. Maybe now I can once again, try to go to bed. So goodnight to one and all, and may you have sweet dreams.