Everything is so hard right now, I am crying, full blown major meltdowns, at least once or twice a day. Just getting the energy to do the simplest tasks is difficult and even the thought of doing something seems to take a great deal of focus and energy.
On the days I don’t have to use the car, I get up sometimes early in the morning, other times its late morning. It’s like, even in sleep, my mind and body know what I am able to do or not do. I know that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense…but it sometimes doesn’t matter how late I stay up, busying my mind watching episodes of Bones, or reading some mystery, suspense book. Whatever. I can sometimes still wake up at six am, after only going to bed a few hours earlier, or will go to bed early, and sleep till eleven.
Unfortunately, usually within an hour of waking up, not even though one cup of coffee yet, I have to take a Xanax. And “busy” my mind until it starts to work, so I don’t end up in a puddle of tears.
Yesterday, after group, I picked up Tony, and for the past few months, we then go directly to his therapy session. Yesterday, had a full meltdown at around noon, hadn’t heard from Tony on his lunch break, and was completely convinced something was terribly wrong with him. So I call, unable to think, crying, only to reach him, and he’s ok, but now he is not, because of me and my hysterics. He had to tell me to take the medicine. I couldn’t calm down enough to even get my mind to do what I know I needed to do.
Anyways, I got to his work, and had a terrible headache, so he said he would drive. We went home, I got undressed, said I needed to lay down for just a little bit, and then I would fix us dinner. I was just drifting off and he came in, and said we forgot to go to the doctors appointment…oh carp! Quickly get dressed, out the door and made it, only about ten minutes late.
Tony told the doctor about all the problems I have been having, which I was going to do anyways, to ask her if she would take me on as a patient, separate from Tony. She said she couldn’t, but I could see someone else in the office. I told her we had had problems just getting Tony in, because the doctors who take our insurance weren’t taking new patients. But she said it won’t be a problem…because it’s her requesting this other doctor to take me.
Anyway, all of that should be happening in the next couple of days, and I am going to be going on a short trip the first week of February. With my best friend in the whole wide world, Joanne. She and I are going to visit my sister, Brenda for a few days, and then off to Joanne’ s Mom’s in Phoenix for a few days, then home.
I will miss Tony terribly!! But I need to get away…to try and break this stranglehold that this depression has on me. Then, when I come home, I will start therapy. Going to wait on the antidepressants for the time being. We shall see what my new therapist has to say on that down the road.