Emotional Rollercoaster

After I took Tony to work this morning, I went back home and when I got home the very first thing I immediately noticed was how silent the house was. It was a very weird feeling, so quiet and still. After him being home with me for so long, it was strange.

I had been home alone before, since Jennifer’s death, after I lost my job, but before, my Mom had gotten me involved with the Red Hat Society, so I was out of the house every Monday, for luncheons and meetings, and the usual doctor appointments, grocery shopping, etc. So I guess I just really didn’t notice the absolute silence in the house. I was keeping “busy”.

While he was off work, we were busier, more doctor appointments, and we had also joined the grief support group at Nathan Adelson Hospice, which has meetings every Monday afternoon, and then he had his surgery, then a couple of months later, I had my surgery. Then his leave was extended, and therapy sessions were added to our week, and then I developed an infection on my back, so more doctor appointments were added, as well as dressing changes. 

For both of us not working, we were still very busy every week. So today, when I got home, it was strange not having him home with me. And this week also happens to be Jennifer’s one year “anniversary”. On Thursday it will be one year since she passed away. 

I am all over the place with my emotions. The quiet immediately got to me…he’s at work, and I am so alone. I miss her so much. The silence is overwhelming. My heart is breaking all over again, only this time it feels so much worse. How can this be hurting so much more? It’s like the losing her all over again, only this time I am so much more aware of the emptiness, and the raw, wrenching pain. 

How do I get through losing Jennifer all over again?