Hurting

Everyday gets harder, more and more painful. I have been laying down in the afternoons, although the thought crossed my mind, however fleetingly, that perhaps I should maybe go for a short walk. But I had still to wear the bone growth stimulator contraption, two hours, at least everyday, and I hadn’t done that yet.

It isn’t uncomfortable, unless you try to lay down, flat on your back. The literature claims you can, but I tried, and found it to be very uncomfortable. So, I put it on, and if I lay on my side, I can have it positioned properly, and take a nap. So that’s what I have been doing.

It is still too cold out yet for walks anyways, however short. The cold makes my back ache even more, so the walks will have to wait a little while longer. I am not sure yet how much physical activity I am allowed to do yet. Another question for the doctor I guess. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it has only been four months since my surgery, and apparently I have weak bones, therein lies the reason for the bone growth stimulator I guess.

I find myself thinking of Jennifer every single day. This second year is so much more painful than the first, and that was a living nightmare. I miss every tiny thing about her. Even her moodiness, the arguments we would have, but the most wonderful thing about even our arguments, we could never stay angry for long…One or the other would always go to the other and apologize, which would then always lead to laying down together, hands entwined, argument long forgotten.

I miss all of it, every second of our lives spent together. All of it.

I miss my daughter! With every breath I take, I must be honest, I would rather trade this world for hers.

I still ask God to show me what I am supposed to learn, what lessons I need to still complete. To lead me to them, so that I may complete whatever reasons or things I must do. To please help me, so that I might complete whatever he sent me here to do, and I beg for swiftness so that I may once again be where I know I need to be…with Jennifer.