She’s on my mind continuously. I think about her as I awake in the morning, as I go to the kitchen to make something to eat, I talk to her. I know that she can see me, hear me.
Then I have been busying myself lately with Netflix. Watching continuous episodes of Bones. But, there is always that part of my brain that can’t be distracted. And that part…All thoughts, feelings, wants, wishes and dreams are all Jennifer. They always will be.
Even in this state of depression, and anxiety, and pain, there are all the other parts of Jennifer that I have to hold onto. The love I will always have for her, the deep yearning to be with her again. The deep knowledge inside my heart and soul that I will be with her again, is all there. Twisted deep inside of me, along with all the other stuff.
My mind tells me logically that I am finally ready to begin to deal with the loss of my daughter. Yet my heart is full of hurting, haunting pain.
So my mind is beginning, in stages I guess, to allow me to fully begin to deal with this humongous whole her loss has left in my heart, in my life.
But, honestly, it just hurts like hell.