On Tuesday, I had my first session with my new therapist. I knew that the first visit usually consists of a kind of background thing, such as why I felt the need to start seeing a therapist, etc.
I unfortunately haven’t been able to shake off this depression. I see to do ok if I am busy, and thus distracted. For instance if I am busy during the day, going to doctor appointments, running errands, doing the shopping, then I can structure my time so that I don’t leave myself any time to think.
Because if I don’t allocate every minute of the day to be filled with being busy then my thoughts immediately turn to Jennifer, and I start to spiral down, back into that pit of darkness.
This pit is filled with all of the pain that I have “put on the back burner”, so to speak. I have so much to deal with, helping Tony. Yes, it is difficult, and yes sometimes I am angry that it is always about his pain, his needing to know that there is a Heaven, that he will be with Jennifer again.
I get so frustrated, because it’s always the same reaction from him when I try to tell him that he has to do the work…forgiving himself, for every real or imagined thing that he believes he did wrong. So, yes I yell at him. I ask him if all this torture that he puts not only himself through, but that he also puts me and Jennifer through.
And his response is still always the same, as it has been for the past fourteen months, “Jennifer knows him”. And while I agree with that statement, I also believe that until he forgives himself, for any and all the things he believes he did wrong, or could of done different, or better, he will never get to experience all that Jennifer and God want to give to him, and help him with.
I will continue to pray for some kind of Devine intervention. Until then, all I can do is continue to be there for him.