All day today, and actually last night too, I have been in a deep depression. This is not my normal personality. Actually, I believe it began slowly over the last few days, unnoticed at first for what it is. I have been having a lot of pain, seemingly more than normal, I feel the loss of my daughter Jennifer so acutely…the endlessly lost feelings, and feelings of drowning in despair.
I feel like I have been sucked into a very dark pit, of which there is no escape. Why this sudden onslaught of darkness and pain, of which I seemingly have no control over. It has draped itself all over me, and I don’t have the strength or will to fight against it. Perhaps, I don’t truly want to.
Every day I see young woman, around her age, living their lives. I don’t know if they are happy or sad with their lives, I don’t pretend to know if I could even tell the difference. For all I know, they could be totally content, or they could be unhappy. That doesn’t seem to be the point, of my observing their lives. They are alive. I think that is what I am contemplating. And my daughter isn’t.
So for right now, I seem to be surrendering to this darkness. Hopefully, it will pass, like a brief storm. All I can do right now is ride it out.