It’s really hard to even care

A few month ago was my birthday, and I turned 53, but in the 3 years, and almost 4 months since we lost Jennifer, Tony and I don’t even think about celebrating anything at all anymore, no birthdays, no holidays, especially Christmas or New Years.

Actually, the whole month of December is just a really bad month all the way around. We lost her on the 5th, then Christmas comes along, and I vividly remember, when we would get a live tree, how she  wanted to sleep in the living room, on the couch so she could smell the tree. And lastly, but the most important day was her birthday on the 28th. Daddy doesn’t understand why that day is the hardest for me, he tells me, it’s just another day of the week. I really think that it bothers him, because she’s not here.

I know that she would want us to go and do something, to at least make an attempt to try to enjoy ourselves, but just the thought of doing any of that just leaves a big empty hole in my heart, that just causes more pain, more hurt.

Life has lost the flavor that it once had. It’s as if everything is just grey. My life doesn’t have any color left in it. And since I became disabled, I find myself with way to much time to think, or to remember what once was. I am in no way saying that our lives were perfect, they certainly weren’t. But we had each other, and that made all the difference in the world.

I stopped taking my antidepressants, because they made me feel totally numb. I mean that I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t like feeling like this. So I spoke with my psychiatrist about  how they made me feel, so he said that I could just stop taking them altogether, I didn’t have to ween myself off of them, as you have to do with most antidepressants.

So we shall see how this works out. Hopefully I won’t have to go back on them. But he is keeping me on the antianxiety medications. the other thing that I didn’t like about the anti-depressants was that they made me gain some weight back on. Apparently this is an unfortunate side effect from taking them.

So I told Tony that I was going to go back on the protein shakes that I used to get from Dr. Hanna, and was on for quite a while. I didn’t relish driving all the way to his office, which is on thee other side of town from us now, so I decided to look on the internet for them, and I found them quite  easily, however they were 70 something dollars a bag, not including shipping! So, I decided to  look oon Amazon, as they seem to carry pretty much anything. And yes, Amazon had them, for 61 dollars, and because I am an Amazon Prime member, shipping is free.

So I will be back  on the shakes for the next few months, till I can get this extra weight off. Unfortunately, due to my back, I am unable to just go for walks all around the mobile home park, where we now live. Although that certainly would make things progress a little bit more rapidly. But I can do walking laps in the pool everyday.Which should help quite a  bit.


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