Melancholy 

I actually wrote this post several months ago, and thought that I had published it. So when I went to write a new entry, I found that I hadn’t . I hope that this explains the reference to several months ago. 
I  have been experiencing many different emotions lately, and I find myself feeling quite exhausted a lot lately. It’s not that I’m not getting enough sleep, if anything I am sleeping more than I ever have. I seem to require a nap most days, and except for the days that I have things that I must do, I am at home, taking a nap in  the afternoon.

I’m not sure, but I feel, and think that this year, the third year after Jennifer’s death, has been the hardest yet.

There has been a great deal of changes made by Tony and myself. We moved out of the last home that we ever shared with Jennifer.  We moved in with a friend, for what was supposed to be just a couple of months, but Tony got really sick, with double pneumonia and missed work for 5 weeks.  So we had to stay on a bit longer. Our friend just kept telling us it was fine, and I did give him some money when we moved.

So now we have been in our new home since July, and it’s so hard to believe that it has almost been a whole year since we moved in.

But lately, I have been having these feelings of imminent, huge changes that are going to be happening.  I don’t know if these feelings involve Tony or myself,  but I do feel strongly that it has something major to do with one of us.

I try not to let myself get all caught up in whatever it is,  and for the most part, I do. I try and keep busy, doing the house work, which is a major pain in the butt, because if what I am doing causes me increased pain and discomfort, I have to take a break.  Oh well, as long as it gets done.

Of course, I think about Jennifer all the time, and I worry about Tony, because it is so easy to see the stark pain and anguish that is always in his eyes, and written upon his face.

For the past 3 years, and 4 months I have felt like I am mourning my husband, as well as the loss of my only child. I truly do believe that on December 5th, 2012, my husband, for all intents and purposes, he died that day. The same day my daughter died. And left behind in the wake of this unforeseen, and  unrelenting pain and anguish, all that is left of my husband is his physical body, that is just going through the motions of this life because he has no other choice. 

An adopted turtle and a new blog

I started working on a new blog a couple of weeks ago.  I have already  chosen the name for my new blog, and I have purchased the domain for the new blog. We haven’t had the money to sign up with one of the TV providers,  and we were a little bit to busy to mess with one of the companies that offer TV service, as well as Internet service.

 Some great news for a change….we just made our very last car payment, YEAH!!!!

My adopted aquatic turtle needs a lot of stuff, and since we got him in a larger tank, he has grown quite a lot. So I bought a used larger tank from a website called “Offer Up” where you can buy and sell stuff. (it is kind of like those huge swap meets that you could find at drive in movie theaters).          all the necessary equipment that he needs.

But this time, when I was purchasing his equipment,  I purposely bought equipment that could be transferred to an even larger tank, should that need arise.

So, I need to clean the tank,  it has a couple of hard water deposits that need to be cleaned,  plus the tank came with sand in the bottom of the tank. And because it is very difficult to find out the sex of a turtle, till they are around 4-6 years old. 

And should my turtle turn out to be a female, well she has to  have a lay her eggs. I didn’t know that female turtles will lay eggs, whether they are fertilized or not.

And that’s what the sand in the used tank will be perfect for, the sand will provide what the turtle needs to lay her eggs, and cover them with the sand.

Needless to say, we are hoping that our turtle turns out to be a male! But unfortunately it is apparently difficult to sex a turtle until they are entering adulthood.  Well if she’s a

female, we will be ready if that issue if she needs needs it.

I never realized that aquatic turtles could actually be fun raising them. They have their own little personalities. And right now he is being stubborn, because when we introduced bugs  into his diet, he went crazy and decided that that was the only thing he wants to eat!

Well its just another day

This weekend is a holiday weekend, Memorial Day. I know that Daddy appreciates the long weekend! Yesterday, his usual do absolutely nothing day,we had to go to the pharmacy, and he had to come with me because I was so very tired for some reason. I asked him to come with me, so that he could drive.

Today, I am ashamed to say, we did absolutely nothing!! We were supposed to go run errands today, that we will now end up doing tomorrow instead.

Melissa will be here in just a few days, she arrives on the 8th of the month, and instead of me having to go to the airport to pick her up, which I would have been more than happy to do, she is going to rent a car for the whole time that she is here. So she will be driving herself to our house instead. I can’t wait to see her!

Daddy and I have to go buy a bed for the spare bedroom, either tomorrow or next weekend, otherwise she will be sleeping on the couch, and her back is worse than mine, if you can believe that!  So tomorrow will be busy whether Daddy wants it to be or not.

Melissa is not the only reason that we need to get a bed, Boppy and Barb want to come out for a visit, to see our new home, but they are having problems with Boppys ID. They keep putting more and more security measures in place. Boppy and Barb have been to the DMV four times! And the last time I talked to Barb they are still having problems.

Daddy isn’t getting any better, as I am sure you have noticed. I just don’t know what else to do Jennifer. He really needs God’s help with this. We still say our prayers every night, and Daddy always asks God and Jesus for their help. I guess he has come a little bit further than he was a couple of years ago.

I miss you so very much! There are some days that I still can’t believe that you are really gone. I know that you are up in Heaven, and I can’t wait to join you. I am going to hug he so tight, that you will probably ask me to ease up some Mama, I can’t breathe. Of course I am going to have  to fight Daddy as to who gets to hug you first, so I imagine that it will be a group hug instead.

I love you Jennifer, more than words can express!!!

It’s really hard to even care

A few month ago was my birthday, and I turned 53, but in the 3 years, and almost 4 months since we lost Jennifer, Tony and I don’t even think about celebrating anything at all anymore, no birthdays, no holidays, especially Christmas or New Years.

Actually, the whole month of December is just a really bad month all the way around. We lost her on the 5th, then Christmas comes along, and I vividly remember, when we would get a live tree, how she  wanted to sleep in the living room, on the couch so she could smell the tree. And lastly, but the most important day was her birthday on the 28th. Daddy doesn’t understand why that day is the hardest for me, he tells me, it’s just another day of the week. I really think that it bothers him, because she’s not here.

I know that she would want us to go and do something, to at least make an attempt to try to enjoy ourselves, but just the thought of doing any of that just leaves a big empty hole in my heart, that just causes more pain, more hurt.

Life has lost the flavor that it once had. It’s as if everything is just grey. My life doesn’t have any color left in it. And since I became disabled, I find myself with way to much time to think, or to remember what once was. I am in no way saying that our lives were perfect, they certainly weren’t. But we had each other, and that made all the difference in the world.

I stopped taking my antidepressants, because they made me feel totally numb. I mean that I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t like feeling like this. So I spoke with my psychiatrist about  how they made me feel, so he said that I could just stop taking them altogether, I didn’t have to ween myself off of them, as you have to do with most antidepressants.

So we shall see how this works out. Hopefully I won’t have to go back on them. But he is keeping me on the antianxiety medications. the other thing that I didn’t like about the anti-depressants was that they made me gain some weight back on. Apparently this is an unfortunate side effect from taking them.

So I told Tony that I was going to go back on the protein shakes that I used to get from Dr. Hanna, and was on for quite a while. I didn’t relish driving all the way to his office, which is on thee other side of town from us now, so I decided to look on the internet for them, and I found them quite  easily, however they were 70 something dollars a bag, not including shipping! So, I decided to  look oon Amazon, as they seem to carry pretty much anything. And yes, Amazon had them, for 61 dollars, and because I am an Amazon Prime member, shipping is free.

So I will be back  on the shakes for the next few months, till I can get this extra weight off. Unfortunately, due to my back, I am unable to just go for walks all around the mobile home park, where we now live. Although that certainly would make things progress a little bit more rapidly. But I can do walking laps in the pool everyday.Which should help quite a  bit.

 

I think I finally got a handle on how Wordpess works!

Our daughter Jennifer has been gone for almost 3 1/2 years now. Yet I still feel like it was just yesterday. Some days are better than others naturally, but particularly this year I can’t even really explain it to myself what is so wrong about this year.

In addition to all of my uncertain emotions, I somehow lost this particular blog! This is the initial blog that I started about 4 or 5 months after Jennifer pasted away. originally I was a blog through Googles blogspot, but I kept hearing about how much better WordPress was for blogging. I started to subscribe to a few blogs that gave you all kinds of tips about having a blog through WordPress. I believe I signed up to 3 or 4 different blogs to follow, as well as looking on utube for tutorials. There were so many blogs to chose from that it was a bit overwhelming.

So I set up a few files that I could move these emails to, but many of them I was receiving one everyday. They had a lot of really good information on them, regarding themes, plug-ins, and much more information. Now, if I could only find the time to read them all!

The blog on Google was actually quite easy to setup, considering that I had never started a blog before in my life. Then one of the bloggers that I followed was offering to set up a free blog for anyone who contacted him, and then referenced his blog when he completed setting it up. I thought that this was a great opportunity for me to switch to WordPress! And who wouldn’t, to have a completely set up blog, that all you had to do to it, was change the theme if you wanted, and add any extra plugins if you wanted.

However I immediately started running into problems. I already had this blog all set up, with its own registered domain name, and so I followed the instructions of transferrinng all of my blog posts that I had written under the Google blog, (140 posts) to the free WordPress blog that was set up, ready to receive all of my posts.

When the gentleman set up the new free site, he had contacted me to ask me what was my domain name, and web hosting company. So when I moved all of my posts, I moved them to the hosting company site, that had my domain name. I was so happy with how easy this was turning our to be.

However, in my excitement to begin posting on my new WordPress blog, I didn’t use to free pre set up blog! I started my own under my domain name, Loving and Losing Jennifer. I think I did that because I was so excited to be posting again! But……in doing so, I messed everything up! And then  I got so frustrated that I couldn’t figure anything out.

So, due to all of my frustration, that I actually created all by myself, I stepped back from blogging all togeather. So it has been a very long time since I even looked at my blog, and then I couldn`t find the darn thing at all when I searched for it!

Happily, I believe that I am finally on the right site!!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that during all the time that I was away from my blog, I began to find myself back where I was emotionally, back when I started this blog.

So rather than sit down and take the time to figure out where I went wrong, I decided to start a second blog. (Probably not the best idea that I came up with!) the only thing positive in starting the new blog, was that I apparently set this one up correctly. Don’t ask me how I managed this, except that maybe Jennifer helped me out with it! Anyways, now I will have two blogs to write in, well now that I have fixed Loving and Losing Jennifer!

The new blogs name is Letters To Heaven, and I have already written three posts in it. Let’s hope that I finally have this figured out! This new blog will be about letters that I am writing to my daughter, Jennifer. As if she was away at college. Only my letters will all be addressed to her in Heaven.

 

 

I think I finally got the hang of this!

Our daughter Jennifer has been gone for almost 3 1/2 years now. Yet I still feel like it was just yesterday. Some days are better than others naturally, but particularly this year I can’t even really explain it to myself what is so wrong about this year.

In addition to all of my uncertain emotions, I somehow lost this particular blog! This is the initial blog that I started about 4 or 5 months after Jennifer pasted away. Originally I was a blog through Google’s blogspot, but I kept hearing about how much better WordPress was for blogging. I started to subscribe to a few blogs that gave you all kinds of tips about having a blog through WordPress. I believe I signed up to 3 or 4 different blogs to follow, as well as looking on utube for tutorials. There were so many blogs to choose from that it was a bit overwhelming.

So I set up a few files that I could move these emails to, but many of them I was receiving one everyday. They had a lot of really good information on them, regarding themes, plug-ins, and much more information. Now, if I could only find the time to read them all!

The blog on Google was actually quite easy to set up, considering that I had never started a blog before in my life. Then one of the bloggers that I followed was offering to set up a free blog for anyone who contacted him, and then referenced his blog when he completed setting it up. I thought that this was a great opportunity for me to switch to WordPress! And who wouldn’t, to have a completely set up blog, that all you had to do to it, was change the theme if you wanted, and add any extra plugins if you wanted.

However I immediately started running into problems. I already had this blog all set up, with its own registered domain name, and so I followed the instructions of transferring all of my blog posts that I had written under the Google blog, (140 posts) to the free WordPress blog that was set up, ready to receive all of my posts.

When the gentleman set up the new free site, he had contacted me to ask me what was my domain name, and web hosting company. So when I moved all of my posts, I moved them to the hosting company site, that had my domain name. I was so happy with how easy this was turning our to be.

However, in my excitement to begin posting on my new WordPress blog, I didn’t use to free pre set up blog! I started my own under my domain name, Loving and Losing Jennifer. I think I did that because I was so excited to be posting again! But……in doing so, I messed everything up! And then  I got so frustrated that I couldn’t figure anything out.

So, due to all of my frustration, that I actually created all by myself, I stepped back from blogging all together. So it has been a very long time since I even looked at my blog, and then I couldn`t find the darn thing at all when I searched for it!

Happily, I believe that I am finally on the right site!!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that during all the time that I was away from my blog, I began to find myself back where I was emotionally, back when I started this blog.

So rather than sit down and take the time to figure out where I went wrong, I decided to start a second blog. (Probably not the best idea that I came up with!) the only thing positive in starting the new blog, was that I apparently set this one up correctly. Don’t ask me how I managed this, except that maybe Jennifer helped me out with it! Anyways, now I will have two blogs to write in, well now that I have fixed Loving and Losing Jennifer!

The new blogs name is Letters To Heaven, and I have already written three posts in it. Let’s hope that I finally have this figured out! And that I will finally be able to get back to posting, in both blogs.

But just to be sure I think I had better go check out the other blog, Letters To Heaven, and make sure that it is set up correctly. I want to be able to just go to either site and just write! So fingers crossed that everything is ok now.

 

Copywrite D.Haddock 5/16/2016

 

 

Letters to Heaven

Well, I just posted my very first entry to my new blog, Letters to Heaven. Now comes the challenging part….to keep posting on my first blog, Loving and Losing Jennifer, and post at least 2 new posts in each blog, per week.

I am still on a WordPress supported blog, on both of the blogs, but I eventually want to get away from that, and have my own personal blog sites. I have gotten the domain names, and they are both registered.

But I still have quite a bit to learn about blogging before I step out on my own.

I must say that this is a big undertaking, learning as I go. I will be looking into any tutorials for WordPress, and then learning how to go out on my own.

Yesterday was not a very good day for Tony. He is still just as fragile as he was three years ago. To be honest, he hasn’t really made much progress at all, since she passed away. Often, I feel like he died the day that she did.

The worst part for him, is the fact that a great number of people, especially those at work, think he should be “moving along”. Unfortunately, grief of this kind doesn’t move along as quickly as if you had lost a grandparent, or even a parent or even a sibling, or even your spouse.

I am not belittling any of those loses, and yes they hurt, and great deal. But a parent should never have to lose a child, no matter how old that child is at the time of their death.

Losing your child is out of the natural order of things. Your child, when they are much older, should be burying you, not the other way around.

I haven’t been going to our support group meetings for quite some time. It’s been months since I regularly attended. And there is some tension between myself and a couple of the other members.

I have been accused of being absent from meetings, and of not returning phone calls, and worst of all I have been accused sounding intoxicated on the phone.  Oh, they used the medication that I take as to why I sound intoxicated.

No one told me about any of this, they just removed my name from the cards that we hand out, and from the groups website.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much all of this hurt. And the only other response I was given, was that the decision had been made months ago.