I actually wrote this post several months ago, and thought that I had published it. So when I went to write a new entry, I found that I hadn’t . I hope that this explains the reference to several months ago.
I have been experiencing many different emotions lately, and I find myself feeling quite exhausted a lot lately. It’s not that I’m not getting enough sleep, if anything I am sleeping more than I ever have. I seem to require a nap most days, and except for the days that I have things that I must do, I am at home, taking a nap in the afternoon.
I’m not sure, but I feel, and think that this year, the third year after Jennifer’s death, has been the hardest yet.
There has been a great deal of changes made by Tony and myself. We moved out of the last home that we ever shared with Jennifer. We moved in with a friend, for what was supposed to be just a couple of months, but Tony got really sick, with double pneumonia and missed work for 5 weeks. So we had to stay on a bit longer. Our friend just kept telling us it was fine, and I did give him some money when we moved.
So now we have been in our new home since July, and it’s so hard to believe that it has almost been a whole year since we moved in.
But lately, I have been having these feelings of imminent, huge changes that are going to be happening. I don’t know if these feelings involve Tony or myself, but I do feel strongly that it has something major to do with one of us.
I try not to let myself get all caught up in whatever it is, and for the most part, I do. I try and keep busy, doing the house work, which is a major pain in the butt, because if what I am doing causes me increased pain and discomfort, I have to take a break. Oh well, as long as it gets done.
Of course, I think about Jennifer all the time, and I worry about Tony, because it is so easy to see the stark pain and anguish that is always in his eyes, and written upon his face.
For the past 3 years, and 4 months I have felt like I am mourning my husband, as well as the loss of my only child. I truly do believe that on December 5th, 2012, my husband, for all intents and purposes, he died that day. The same day my daughter died. And left behind in the wake of this unforeseen, and unrelenting pain and anguish, all that is left of my husband is his physical body, that is just going through the motions of this life because he has no other choice.